“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
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My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*