DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
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My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Merica.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side