That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
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My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion