Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
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If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?