yeah but what if it ๐ถ๐ your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesnโt like ๐๐ผ๐
You Might Also Like
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Party hack: Let your guests know itโs time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. Heโs the hamburger helper glove
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTALโIT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: wereโwere you not listening just now
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Cauliflowerโs mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoliโs mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. Itโs staying in there.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
a thing thatโs important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying โthatโs youโ
just had a dinosaur that we didnโt make show up at our front gate
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
My daughter still doesnโt understand this math problem even though Iโve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but itโs usually a light sentence