My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
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I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”