Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
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Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Webb. James Webb.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.