My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
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Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
notice
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee