I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
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*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.