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start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
S M O L
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Meeeee too!
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER