Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
You Might Also Like
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Me too door. Me too.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
fair
thank god
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.