Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
You Might Also Like
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”