I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
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I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.