There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
You Might Also Like
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Ken is short for chicken
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.