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Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.