her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
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I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
I’m listening
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah