Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
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There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”