This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
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Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.