“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
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I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume