Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
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The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
This is enough internet for the day.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
My safe word is Worcestershire
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I have no passwords left in me
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?