Guantanamo Bae
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“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
This chloroform smells expensiv…
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Meow
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
😂🤣😂🤣
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old