we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
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using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
My current situation
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?