I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no