fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
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[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel