I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
You Might Also Like
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
oppen heimer style lol
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
🤣dope
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.