Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
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Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone