I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
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3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit