Never let them know your next move 😂
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*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.