One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
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Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
presenting your incognito window wrapped