*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
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Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.