Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
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women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
When someone says you are so lazy
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂