I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
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buys donuts instead
“Sheer Arrogance”
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Venn
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.