me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
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There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.