My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
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People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.