Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Wake me when AI does housework
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment