[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
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Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.