At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
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Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.