to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
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My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.