You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
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13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people