You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
You Might Also Like
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Going into Monday like
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.