Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
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You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.