“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
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Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..