Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
You Might Also Like
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.