Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
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It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.