*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
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This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx