How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
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My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
how to exercise your calf muscles
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”