i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
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Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Only Americans understand
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir