I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
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*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.