God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
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ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
incredible
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Every time.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo