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[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Cat is stressing him out.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.